Mahler’s Symphony No. 4 was the first symphony I ever attended in March 2021. Sorta. I’d seen classical pieces performed in small ensembles before, and technically the symphony wasn’t a full ensemble because of COVID-19, so they scaled down the ensemble proportionally to how many people would be in the concert hall, because the sound engineers that design such establishments take into consideration how many people will be in a venue, among many other variables, because each person absorbs so much sound, so with less people and a full ensemble there would have been too much reverb for the music to sound like the conductor and musicians expect their music to sound. Anyways.

“We enjoy heavenly pleasures and therefore avoid the earthly stuff. No worldly tumult is to be heard in heaven. All live in greatest peace... without any thought or concern... whatever we want... there is just no music on earth that can compare to ours...” These are some of the lyrics from the symphony.

I field recorded the performance from my seat, and manipulated parts of it into what is heard here, most noticeably on 'Not Feeling How I'm Feeling'. I field record everything I do, matter of fact. But, every field recording on this album was captured when Tawnie was with me. Outside of the symphony, there is also a field recording of an improv set that happened at the 2018 No Idea Festival in Austin, TX, featuring Bhob Rainey, Marcus Schmickler and Juanjosé Rivas that was heavily manipulated on the title track, and a solo grand piano improv recording on a piano I maybe shouldn’t have been playing at Rice, University, on 11 Feb 2022, on a trip Tawnie and I took to Houston to see Zelooperz and Zack Fox perform that can be heard on the opening track. All of these field recordings were manipulated in subtle and not so subtle ways.

Is Mahler’s 4th pure escapism? I don’t know what was happening in Mahler’s life when he composed this symphony, but in 2021 I perceived it as a privileged mockery and unfit soundtrack to the current/ongoing worldly tumult. So, I mixed some cathartic protean noise with the field recorded symphony with two aims in mind.

Firstly, it is a soundtrack to worldly ills.

Secondly, it’s intended for escapism from the constant devastation and trauma of existing on this worst of all possible worlds.

Therefore this isn’t just a criticism of privileged escapism; it’s also a contemporary slab of privileged escapism with a harsh-noise/musique-concrète aesthetic. I am privileged to be able to compose music. I don’t intend to deride artistic endeavor nor escapism in general. Escapism through art is one of the most cathartic methods for coping that I have, and I have to do what I have to do.

As documentaries like Adam Curtis’ Can’t Get You Out of My Head, or Raoul Peck’s Exterminate All The Brutes, or even cursory glances at current events illustrate, oligarchs are very willing to exploit human and non-human life, and resources, to serve their interests, and many times throughout history have the people been roused to protesting in the streets, like 2020s George Floyd related protests, only for things to “settle” and for little actual change in the power structures to come about. Power just changes hands, but evil people with their billion-dollars-a-day militaries continue to dominate the planet and make life a total nightmare for many people. People who want decent living standards for all are just shy of powerless, unfortunately. Resignation to this is demoralizing. This doesn’t mean people with empathy should give up, things would just get worse faster if the empathetic stop trying. Pyrrhic efforts for a better world are, after all, deeply admirable.

Is a better world possible? It’s so fucked it sometimes seems it couldn’t be worse. There is almost nothing but room for improvement. Are small victories for those who value life all that can be reasonably hoped for? I don’t know. It doesn’t look too hopeful to me. But still, I view art and connection with others as much more than consolation prizes: these are powerful, just sadly not as powerful as greed and corruption.

Do what you have to do to enjoy your life.
Eat the oligarchs.
Dethrone the life destroyers.
Be kind to each other.

I dedicate this album to Tawnie Frances, my best friend and partner,
who got me into my first live symphony, and who also does a great deal all the time in helping me cope with life.

I began composing this album sometime in 2020, and continued tinkering with them through July 2022.

The album opens with a heavily manipulated sample of Zelooperz’s Bigger Than Me. All other sounds were performed by me.

I hope it helps others escape the nightmare briefly like it has helped me.

“If there was no healing to be had from the art of writing and performing I would never have even engaged in it to begin with.”
—Bryan Lewis Saunders

Photos taken by Tawnie Frances,
editing/layout/liner-notes by Princess Haultaine III